How To Have A Child-Centered Divorce
Far too often, divorcing couples use the traditional adversarial litigation process which focuses on the needs of the adults. The needs of the children are pushed aside while parents fight over child custody and parenting time. It does not need to be that way. A child-centered divorce provides parents with the opportunity and skills they need to make the best possible post-divorce environment for their children.
What is a Child-Centered Divorce?
A child-centered divorce is exactly what it sounds like. Decisions are based on what is best for the children, viewed not just from the adult standpoint, but from the perspective of the children.
Children are perceptive. They understand what is going on around them even if you do not talk with them about it. Even though they are also resilient, they need to be protected from the conflict going on around them so they can thrive.
The way to do this is to put the needs of the children ahead of your own. Look at the world through the lens of your children. What do they need from their parents? Some examples of putting the children’s needs ahead of your own include:
The parenting schedule. When coming to agreements on parenting time with your children, focus on what is going on in the children’s lives. Where do each one of them need to be for school events, extracurricular activities, time with their friends?
Economics. Instead of focusing on yourself and how the economics of the divorce will affect your life, think of the effect it is going to have on your children. Will they be able to stay in their home or will they need to move and change schools? Will they still be able to continue music lessons, dance classes, or other extracurricular activities? How can this transition best be made for them?
Respect and Communication. Stop fighting with your co-parent in front of the children and agree on strategies to minimize your conflict. This can include agreements to not talk about parenting issues at exchanges and to communicate primarily over email or text message. You can also agree to work with a parenting coach or a divorce coach to help you deal with difficult feelings or to come to an agreement on how to talk with your children about the divorce.
How a Collaborative Divorce Enables a Child-Centered Divorce
In the Collaborative Divorce process, there are specialists, like parenting coaches and child specialists, who help you and your co-parent set aside your personal issues and focus on your children. You learn how to listen to your co-parent and your children to make decisions that focus on the best interest of the children. You learn how to check in with your children and make adjustments when you need to so you can be sure they are okay.
In the Collaborative Divorce process, everyone is working together, sharing information, and cooperating, not talking past each other. Resources are not depleted in litigation but are used toward the children’s needs. The parents learn how to coparent into the future since coparenting is a lifelong endeavor.