Nesting

by Kim Gordon

At the first session of one of my first collaborative cases, the clients came in with a copy of an article from the New York Times about “nesting” - a parenting arrangement where the children continue to reside full-time in the family home and the parents take turns being with the children.

Since this was a new concept to us all (the 2 collaborative attorneys, as well as the clients), we contacted the attorneys in the article to get more information about how nesting worked.

Both the parents in the article and the parents we were working with wanted to ensure that their children’s lives were minimally disrupted. They wanted to have the children continue to grow up in the home they knew, which, for at least our couple, was a nicer home in a preferred neighborhood than the ones they would be able to afford in a two home arrangement. The parents agreed that they would prefer bearing the brunt of the domicile changes that come with divorce rather than to place those burdens on their children.

Instead of the children going back and forth between their two parent’s homes, the parents come and go from the family home. Some parents share a small apartment where they go when they are the “off duty,” but most want to have their own private get-away. Options include each parent renting their own studio apartment or a room from a third party, or staying with friends or extended family members. Other parents find a way to create separate adult spaces within the home, such as an apartment in the basement.

In a nesting parenting plan, the children are reassured that they will be able to remain in the family home, continue their school and neighborhood friendships, and for the most part maintain the routines to which they are accustomed. As it turns out, our clients were also relieved that their neighborhood friendships and support base would remain intact, and that their children would continue in the same schools. Most importantly they were relieved to know that their children would continue to maintain meaningful relationships with both parents, even though the family parental structure was being reorganized.

Nesting requires that parents be on the same page about what is best for their children, and works best where parents can reach agreement about parenting routines, discipline and how to peaceably resolve conflicts. Many develop healthy communication skills they never had during the marriage. If you are considering nesting, you will want to work with your collaborative professionals to create a plan that feels comfortable to all and plans for worse case scenarios, as well as what it will look like on a day-to-day basis.

Our couple nested for several years. Their nesting co-parenting plan went well, so well in fact they decided to try vacationing together. The first was to Disneyland. They called shortly after to share the success of their trip and to thank us for helping create an opportunity they would have never envisioned could be possible at the beginning of their divorce journey.

When one parent found a significant new partner, the family slowly ended the nesting agreement. This seems to be a typical scenario for nesting families. Nesting can last anywhere from a few months to years. Some families nest until a specific agreed event occurs, such as the children reaching a certain age or grade level.

I strongly encourage all parents to try nesting even if it is only for the short transitional period before parents settle into new residences. It will give you an eye opening opportunity to see what your children’s lives will be like when they have two homes. It may also provide you with a greater sense of empathy when a child leaves something at the other’s residence that they need for school that day, or is struggling with transitions between homes.

Parents who choose nesting as a parenting plan and living arrangement are to be applauded. Nesting carries its challenges. Nesting parents have made the choice to place their children’s needs and interests above their own, especially the desire to have complete independence from their now x-spouse.

Some parents who feel that nesting isn’t something they can do at all, or for only a short period of time, are finding other ways to gain some of the benefits of nesting. For example, some lease separate apartments in the same apartment complex; others purchase a duplex or homes within walking distance from each other.

At the end of the day, each family has to find what works best for them. Families who are able to work amicably together are finding ways to make it easier on their children and to foster healthy relationships between parents and children. Some parents even manage to rebuild a friendship.